My name is Lynn, but some of you may know me as ChicpeaJC, I write a fun blog about fashion and culture in Jersey City. When JC Families approached me about contributing a monthly post about the trials and tribulations of being an entrepreneur and a mommy, I was a little apprehensive at first. To be honest I don’t actually write about my personal life on ChicpeaJC. The story I am about to tell you has been told to close friends and “the girls.” I warn you, this column will “tell it like it is” and might be a little bit T.M.I for some of you. I promised myself that if I was going to do this, that I was going to be honest. Because as a mom, there are certain things people never told me about this crazy, crazy job.
Here goes. My birth story….
When I got pregnant I was beyond ecstatic, it wasn’t easy for me to get knocked up; I needed to see a fertility doctor, take all kinds of crazy hormones, shots etc… so when I finally peed on the stick and it showed “positive” the first thing I said to myself was “Fuck yeah…” #truestory
I loved every second of being pregnant; I was that pregnant woman walking on a cloud. I just loved the feeling of having a human growing inside of me. I was obsessed [I was obsessed with my body and the fact that I was growing a baby inside me!]… (ok maybe I still am? hashtag selfie moment). I come from a family of c-sections and non-breastfeeders, so I wanted to actually try and have the thing naturally as well as to breastfeed. I bought every natural childbirth book known to woman, watched every video possible…. (Did you know some women actually orgasm during birth?! Well yeah that definitely did not happen to me.)
I hired an amazing doula (which I highly recommend), I took a childbirth class and I was ready to do this shit. I told my husband, “If I ask for an epidural, talk me out of it.”
I was 41 weeks pregnant, overdue by a week, and mentally over the whole pregnancy thing when I went for a routine check up at the hospital. The doctor had told me a few days before that it wasn’t going to happen this week. I went to the appointment wearing a tanktop and jeans, I looked like I was part of a “Teen Mom” episode. I had planned to get a manicure and go to Wholefoods right after. Having the baby that day was not on my itinerary so I told the hubby he didn’t need to come with me.
Long story short, the doc checked me out and said, “The next time you leave here, it will be with your baby. To which I said, “Can I go eat a bagel first? I’m hungry.”
I called my husband and said, “Drop everything. Go home, get the hospital bag and I would like a scooped-out everything bagel with light cream cheese. STAT.”
I learned in my childbirth class that they don’t let you eat during labor and was really stressed-out because I am one cranky bitch when I am hungry.
My biggest nightmare was being induced. I knew that if I was going to be given Pitocin that I would have a very hard time having the thing naturally since it makes your contractions hurt like crazy… and well, they had no choice but to induce me since I was already at 41 weeks.
But first, I needed my husband to get to the hospital with my bagel. Nothing was happening before then… Actually, sorry for this, but I had to take a humongous poop. (I told you this would be TMI. I am being honest here, these are things that happened.)
Anyway, husband finally arrived, I scarfed the bagel, sat down on the bed and said “I’m ready”. I felt like I was going on a roller coaster ride. I was both excited and nauseous.
They induced me, and the contractions started. My amazing doula, Julie Rosen arrived and I swear she was an angel because as much as I love men, they are useless in these situations.
So the contractions started and my husband said, “Hey, I am really hungry so I am going to go get a falafel, want anything?” I said, “You’re going to get falafel now?!” I was way too tired to argue with him. The guy needed to eat.
Anyway, it was the worst timing ever. While he left, the baby’s heart rate dropped which is NOT a good thing. The doula came to me, held my hand and whispered, “Listen, there will be a group of nurses that are going to rush in here, don’t worry, everything will be OK.” As soon as she said that last word like 7 nurses rushed in. It was like an episode of ER, scariest shit ever. All I could think about was my husband eating a freaking falafel.
Everything turned out to be okay, however. I realize at this point if my doula was not around I would have gotten a c-section which was just not what I wanted.
So let’s fast forward a little to when I was 8 hours in labor, still no epidural. I was a rockstar. The contractions where gnarly has hell; there is no way in describing this pain, I did all the stuff the doula told me to, we hugged, we sang…weird shit. I felt like I was on an acid trip kinda and at Burning Man… kinda! It was brutal and otherworldly.
I felt like something was wrong, like things weren’t moving… for two straight hours I was still at 6 cms. I was on my hands and knees looking up at my doula and said, in my best CEO voice, “Listen to me, get the doctor to check me, if I am still at 6 I want that epidural. If I am at 8 we can do this.”
My husband then says, “Lynn, you can do this, you don’t need the epidural.” I was so pissed. Yeah I know, I told him to say that…. whatever!!
The doc checked me, and I was at 6 cms, the thing was stuck. Epidural-land here I come!! The epidural man, floated in (I swear he floated in, it’s my story okay?) and administered the epidural. I felt like I was flying. I was like “Awwww, this is the bomb!” I felt like texting Snoop Dogg to come hang out and play video games and eat donuts.
I was good now… I fell asleep, we all rested and then in wee hours of the morning it was time to push. The whole thing was crazy, I was like “Wow, I am about to be a mom.” This thing is going to be an actual human that I might screw up. Kind of awesome to have that power though. While I was pushing, my parents were texting my husband to get directions to the hospital. And literally while I am pushing the thing out my husband asks me, “Do you think they should take the 6 train uptown? or the C/E train?” I looked at him and said, “I AM BUSY RIGHT NOW!!”
My Mini Me was born with her right hand by her head. Even then she did what she wanted. I was in love and I don’t ever remember being so happy ever in my life. It was literally like in the movies, you’re crying, you’re a hot mess, but you’re heart is exploding. The thing is a human.
My husband then slipped my doc an extra twenty and said, “Hey maybe you can add an extra stitch down there…” Just Kidding!!
Until next time…